Satire

New regulations proposed for lethal equipment


negan-2HUNTER FRENCH | frenc019@rangers.uwp.edu

Recently, control of the government has shifted from democrat communists to alt-right fascism. As a result, things in America are going to change.

Certain items will become more easily accessible, especially ones that can be purchased at almost any sporting goods store. Items that many Americans use to defend their homes from burglars. Items that are crucial to the image of America. Items that, in the wrong hands, can severely injure or even kill innocent Americans. The good old American baseball bat.

Baseball bat use by the public was accepted back when all baseball bats were made of wood. They were seen as harmless and became an icon of American culture.

Nowadays, we are able to walk into a Dick’s Sporting Goods Store and walk out fifteen minutes later with a deadly metal bat. Metal bats are capable of firing projectiles at velocities up to 100mph. 100mph! There is no need for the public to wield such firepower. My car cannot even go 100mph, so I guess I am doomed.

Striking Modifications

Furthermore, baseball bats are easily modified with illegal attachments that drastically increase the killing power of these so-called “tactical bats.” Some bat owners hammer nails into their bats, and others have taken to wrapping them in barbed wire. I spoke with one such tac-bat user about his opinion on the issue.

This gentleman says that bats are at the core of who he is and that he would “beat the holy hell” out of anyone that told him any different. Then again, this warlord only demands half of our belongings, whereas Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton wanted to raise taxes for over 50% of our income. Perhaps we are better off with this man on the streets than with her in office.

Bat Culture

The worst part is that bats are not treated with the proper care. As a young boy, my father would leave several bats laying out in the garage, where anyone could come along and use them for nefarious reasons. People are even buying bats for their kids! What have we become America? Bats are also used by people our kids look up to. For example, every single member of the Chicago Cubs, winners of the 2016 World Series, has admitted to bat use.

Avoiding Bat-astrophe

I am not saying that we should ban baseball bats from the public. After all, it is an American pastime, but we should have strict regulations on the material (wood, metal or composite)and the model (baseball or cricket) and we should outlaw tactical attachments to ensure that bats are used safely enough and are tame enough to pose no real threat to the government if it becomes corrupt. In that case, we should just use our guns.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Categories: Satire

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